I’m pretty sure I didn’t do college right the first time. I say this because I never remember spending this much time on Netflix. Deadlines were met with ease. All-nighters were both non-existent and unnecessary. Countless hours were wasted in the quiet, study-conducive environment of the school library. I think I even checked out books.
But don’t worry, I have it figured out now. And for those lost little college freshmen who still haven’t quite figured out the system, allow me to share my foolproof method for turning in college papers just under the wire.
Consider it my Christmas gift to you. Happy finals week.
- Read the syllabus several times to make sure you are very, very clear when the exact deadline is due. Now forget it and get back on facebook.
- Open a Word document. Don’t title it yet. There’s no need to make that much commitment up front.
- Google “great ways to start an essay” for several minutes and then Google “great ways to make money” because that popped up first in the automatic listings and, frankly, feels a lot more promising.
- Decide to title your Word document. “Essay.”
- Casually instagram your computer keyboard with a caption like, “No rest for the weary! #collegelife #thuglife #killinit” – Spend twenty minutes picking out a filter.
- Look at the clock and realize that you’ve not been super productive for the last hour and mentally slap yourself. Then look up a youtube video of Shia LaBeouf’s motivational video and JUST DOOOO IIIITTTTTT.
- Check facebook.
- Pack your backpack and laptop and go to a coffee shop to “get some real work done.”
- Thank the barista for your tall skinny peppermint mocha latte and find a table that isn’t already taken by someone better at procrastinating than you are.
- Instagram your laptop keyboard + coffee. Caption: “Round two! We are knocking this sucker out tonight! #allnightifIhaveto #Ihaveto #redcup”
- Check facebook.
- Write a couple paragraphs. At least one of them should have more than two sentences.
- Pull up dictionary.com to double check a spelling, but then get distracted by the Shakespearean terms of endearment on the sidebar. Spend the next fifteen minutes wiki-ing the complete list of Shakespeare characters.
- Answer a call from your mom. Yes, that is your wet laundry in the machine. No, you’re not sure how long it’s been there – Thanksgiving? And can she check if your driver’s license is in the back pocket of your jeans, please?
- Because mom’s are inspirational, you write another couple of paragraphs. Mess with the settings on your paper to add extra spacing between all the letters.
- Google collective nouns for animals. Text the best ones to all of your friends.
- Check facebook.
- Tell yourself you are really going to get serious and write for a half hour.
- It’s getting late – go grab some dinner before you curl over and die because you haven’t eaten in like, seriously, like four hours.
- Get distracted on the way home and find yourself mysteriously in a Barnes & Noble. Peruse.
- Your friends have texted you and want to have a study session at a someone’s house. Bring snacks.
- Studying with friends includes catching up on several episodes of the Walking Dead (and that’s what you’re beginning to feel like) and re-watching an episode of the Office (which you may never see the inside of if you don’t graduate from college).
- Someone gets the munchies again. Volunteer to accompany them on the food run. Take as long as you want. In fact, take longer. Literally, don’t come back for two hours.
- Come back and get settled in front of your computer again.
- Finish your essay.
Hahahahaha, just kidding. Check facebook.
- Instagram a selfie of you (sad duck face) and your computer. Caption: “This essay is killing me. Make it stop. Need coffee! Ahhh! #stressed #hungry”
- Eat something and talk to your friends about Saint West. Google weird celebrity baby names.
- Someone wants to go watch a movie because -they know it’s late but- there are $6 tickets at the Regal theater right now. Consider it.
- Uncommitedly tell your friends that maybe you should finish this essay first because it’s due tomorrow.
- Go watch the movie with your friends. (Hashtag: YOLO). You can just finish this essay before class in the morning.
- Set alarm for 5:30 a.m. before you go to bed.
- Sleep through it.
- Wake up at 7:45 and PANIC.
- Open your laptop and write two pages of almost-total nonsense (with a surprising amount of collective nouns and Shakespeare references).
- Go through and repeat the word “the” in multiple places throughout the the text.
- Run spell check. Click “change all” and hope for the best.
- Forego showering or changing shirts.
- Run through several extremely yellow lights.
- Sit in the parking lot for ten minutes trying to find parking.
- Run to your professor’s office to drop off the paper with two minutes to spare.
Like a boss.